‘Can you honestly say that you are proud of yourself?’

The amount of times this has crossed my mind is innumerable. 

There have been times I’ve hated, doubted, sickened, been disappointed in myself.

There have been times that I have also been happy with myself.

But proud? Not for a while. All I would see was what I failed in, what I failed to achieve, or had screwed up or ruined, or missed out on.

I’ve always been my worst critic. Too humble, as stated by some, to see my talents and too blind to see my potential.

The issue here was I missed who I used to be. The extremely creative person with the amazing marks and free spirit, the one that never truly freaked out and acted out her impulses. I was smart, creative and stable. I was never affected by people’s thoughts and insecurities never crossed my mind.

Looking back right now, at this moment, that longing to be who I was has faded.

Do I miss who I used to be?

Not quite, because that person is still me. That person still exists, but is now older, wiser, and on the road to be happy again.

It took seven years to finally let go and accept that the past is what it is, the past and you can never get it back. What matters is how you carry on in the future.

I can say I’m happy with myself.

I’m happy of the fact that I have mostly let go of the hard shell that surrounded me. I’ve stopped living in my protective bubble and made myself get out of my comfort zone. I have stopped hiding who I truly am and just started to live in the moment as much as I can. I’ve started to take chances, to do different things, to work on my studies but also connect with the community. 

I’ve basically started to enjoy life.

Now that is something I can be proud of.